January 31, 2012
1 Month checkup
Weight: 187 lbs. (-1) Pro
How do I say this? Amount of Quilted Northern used daily is decreasing. Pro
Feeling run-down and impatient for results. Con
As the first month of my undertaking comes to an end I have mixed feelings. I know that what I am doing is the right thing to do. It is all that is left for me to do to regain my health. I know this from the bottom of my heart and soul. I just didn’t expect to feel so depressed and defeated. I was just sure that I would quickly feel good and the weight would just melt off of me(I guess I am still not over the weight issue)and I could prove to everyone that this lifestyle is the best way to live. Today I am worn-out, stressed, second-guessing myself, searching for patience, and wondering why I can’t run when everyone else in the world can.
I have never been a fast runner. I was always tall for my age and given an extremely unproportional amount of legs. My mother never let me tuck my shirts in to my jeans because my shoulders started about where my waist began. Most would think that if you had this kind of length you could make huge strides and run fast. I was always second to last. Right in front of the shortest girl in the class. I figured out early on that I was not an athlete. It took me 9 years to realize that even though I wasn’t good at sports there were some that I enjoyed playing like softball, tennis, swimming, and running. Yes, I said running. Don’t get me wrong I hated to run at school. I hated the embarrassment of being so slow and that I always breathed so hard and had sweat running off of me after 30 seconds. I hated my cheap no brand shoes and hand-me down tubesocks from my brother. And worst of all I hated that everyone else made it look so easy.
I don’t know why I started running after school one day. I just know that I did. No one else knew that I did. I didn’t talk about it, I just ran. I loved it. We lived on a dirt road and I could run as far as I wanted and no one would see me and no one would time me. I could take as long as I needed and sweat could just drip of me until my clothes were completely soaked. The road didn’t care that I was awkward and had cheap shoes. The cows that stared at me really didn’t care that I couldn’t shoot a left-handed lay-up or serve a volley ball. I didn’t have to make fun of myself before someone else did. I could just be. I don’t think my mom and dad even knew that I ran. And then one day I stopped running. Looking back, just like when I started to run, I don’t know why I stopped. I sometimes dream about running and wish I could get that feeling back.
I tried to run again this summer after a 15 year hiatus using the couch to 5k program. After a month my heel hurt and kept hurting. I self diagnosed plantar fasciitis and bought special shoes. I finally went to my chiropractor and for a while had ultrasound treatments weekly. I stretched and iced and did everything I could to get running again. Nothing worked so I stopped running. My heel stopped hurting after resting a few months and I began walking, yoga, and 30 Day Shredding. My heel still didn’t hurt so when my friends suggested we run yesterday I was all in. Before we finished I knew I couldn’t run anymore. I had trouble just walking to my car. I dreaded taking the first steps out of bed this morning and could barely walk the rest of the day. I made an appointment for the chiropractor tomorrow and am back to icing and stretching. I may have to come to grips with the idea that I won’t be able to run again. I just want the feeling back that I used to have. I want to feel successful just like I used to alone on that dirt road.
I realized tonight at my First Place 4 Health meeting that I have to be patient with myself and my body. I have to think like I used to when I was running. It didn’t matter what I looked like while I was doing it or how long it took me to finish my run. It just felt good to do it. It really does feel good to know exactly what I am putting in my body. I love sharing the recipes that help to keep me on the right road to health. It feels good to exercise even if I may never run again. There is such a sense of satisfaction when I finish a walk or a workout. I especially love the days when my oldest wants to walk or workout with me. I am setting an example that will hopefully stick with her forever.
I have to give my body time to heal itself inside and out and find the faith in myself that I feel like I have lost. I will continue to share my journey and remind myself and anyone following me that nothing happens in our time. It is all in God’s time.