*sigh* At the bottom of a very tall hill


January 4, 2012  Day 2

“Things fall apart the centre cannot hold.”

W.B. Yeats

Yesterday and today I experimented with making spicy tuna sushi.  The roll wasn’t perfect but it tasted heavenly.  On another day I might have a simple refried bean corn tortilla burrito or a simple plate of grapes, cheese, and crackers.  I have come so far with my food intake over the last four years.  I feel as though I should make this very clear to anyone reading who wants to start the same undertaking that I have chosen.  I am not attempting to do this without having already drastically changed my diet over the course of the last 4 years.  I don’t eat fast food or food that contains wheat, barley or rye.  Even going without these I still feel as though I must take this task on one day and one meal at a time.

While in college I loved…no I mean LOVED to go out to eat and drink heavily.  Myfavorite place was a wonderful Mexican restaurant named Las Palmas.  My roommate worked there and so did I for a time.  We loved the owner and the staff.  They sold ginormous steins of heavy brown Dos Equis and all of the chips, salsas, and enchiladas with cheese I could pay for and devour.  It is so strange that I put on 60 lbs. from the ages of 19 to 24.  I topped the scales at 207 and had my first colonoscopy (due to diarrhea and bleeding) at 22.  I also suffered from chronic sinus infections and severe depression….at 22 years old.  I should have been in the prime of my life!

8 years later I was pregnant with my first child.  I was still 207 lbs. when I became pregnant.  My gallbladder contained sludge and was sluggish.  I went on a low-fat diet while pregnant and only gained 17lbs.  It was awful.  The first day of eating low-fat I cried.  How was I going to do this?  But I was so sick I would have done anything.  I taught myself how to eat low-fat and stuck to it.  After having the baby I started Weight Watchers and started down the path that has led me to my undertaking.

I lost 38 lbs. on Weight Watchers before getting pregnant with my second baby.  I was walking daily and eating better than I had my whole life.  But I still ate crack, I mean Hershey bars, and low-fat cookies and packaged foods.  My second pregnancy was a good one compared to the first.  I ate well and hardly ever felt sick.  I gained 45 lbs.  So maybe I ate TOO well!

5 months after having #2, I was sick very sick.  I was in constant pain and always going to the bathroom.  No antacids or acid reducers made my stomach pain stop.  I had back and shoulder pain and hemorrhoids from going to the bathroom so much.  Doctors checked my gallbladder for stones and looked for stomach ulcers.  Nothing.  A diagnosis of damage to my intestines and gluten intolerance was given 6 months later.  Those 6 months had left me anemic, depressed, and defeated.

So, why after losing weight and exercising and learning to eat low-fat is my health still in peril?  Why don’t I have infinite energy and life forces bursting from my heart?  Why aren’t I the perfect weight for my heart?  I intend to find out.  Is it the prepackaged processed foods including margarine and skim milk?  Or am I just an unfortunate human being with poor health?

I crashed and burned today around 11 am.  I ate a bowl of homemade beef vegetable soup for breakfast and an apple with a tbsp. of peanut butter.  My lunch was the before mentioned tuna roll.  I had a headache since around 10:30 am.  I made a cup of  Swiss Miss hot chocolate and within 2 sips was feeling better. Oh sugar! Sweet, addictive sugar.  This is what will make my undertaking so difficult.  The fact that sugar in some form has been in everything I have eaten my entire life. The rice in my tuna roll converts to sugar.  The carrots and potatos in my soup convert to sugar. But that hot chocolate was like injecting sugar straight into my veins. I fell apart before noon today.

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